Round Table Discussion: Submission

Those clever gals at Spanking Romance Reviews have recently begun a very nifty thing called 'Round Table Discussions', a multi-blog initiative in which topics of interest to kinky folk are pondered. And I am proud to say that I have been invited to pull up a chair and participate!

The topic this time round (ha! Round!) is ‘Submission: in or out of the bedroom, or both?’

Which is quite the question. In response I would start by saying that, even though I am not in a D/s relationship, submission plays a role in my life every day. In fact I would say, quite unequivocally, that submissiveness is my default setting, in and out of the bedroom. It is reflexive; it feels as natural as breathing. Which makes perfect sense to me as I believe that such characteristics are things that people are born with, like blue eyes or dark hair. And it is this inherent quality that is crucial, I think: it is this innate core from which submissive urges arise, quite unconsciously, and to which the act of submission speaks.

Yet I also have to say that, as familiar as the sense of submissiveness is to me – as familiar as my hands – it is somehow also like an unknowable force of nature, almost like something outside of myself. Certainly something beyond my rational control, and something vast and forever new, an ocean to be explored. What I do know is that when I submit I feel satisfaction, wellness – deep, wordless, primal – as if a basic need has been met. Which, of course, it has. It’s comparable, I think, to eating when hungry, or sleeping when tired. And, while it might sound an obvious thing to say, I find it instructive to bear in mind that similarly fundamental drives have a degree of influence on everyone’s actions and feelings, wherever an individual might be on the kinky spectrum. (A side point, but I think it is such underlying drives that give kinksexual things the quality of authenticity: when these are absent it is so easy to tell that someone is just going through the motions).

Submissiveness is a key part of my sexuality, and is central to my relationship with my partner. And, even though it is not expressed within a recognisably D/s context, it necessarily forms an element in all the play we have in the bedroom. The specific act of submission might vary, as might the explicitness of my submission, but the same basic impulse lies behind each one. When I go across my partner’s knee for a spanking, I am submitting, even if I make a show of struggling defiance (and even if my spankings are always part of 'play' and thoroughly enjoyed). When tears come, and I give myself utterly to the experience, my submission deepens and becomes more complete.

I submit when I kneel at his feet and look up into his eyes. I submit when we make love. I submit when I nestle in his arms, passive and peaceful. In each case I am giving of myself to him, and trusting him to love and protect me. And that is a wonderful, cathartic, enveloping feeling. It is in these moments, I think, that the universality of submission (that is, its transcendence of the kinksexual context) and the inseparability of submission and trust feel most apparent. I know that many people reading this will understand the sentiment that, in order to submit fully, you have to trust completely.

As I mentioned above, I think that my submissive tendencies readily manifest themselves outside the bedroom, though they do so in less overt ways. (I have yet to be bent over and spanked in a shopping mall, anyway. Though I might well fantasise about that). I tend to be the quieter and more passive one in our relationship, and I instinctively consult with my partner on things, rather than acting unilaterally. In discussions, big or small, I tend to defer to his judgement. Which is actually an occasional source of irritation to him:

BH: “Where should we eat tonight? And don’t say it’s up to me!”

Me: “Up to you.”

BH: “Argh!”

But it’s just my nature. And it comes as part of the same package that means I will do whatever he wants in the bedroom, so I don’t think he minds too much.

Beyond our relationship, i.e. in other social situations, I am unassuming and happy to go with the flow. Little miss team player, that’s me. If the gals want to meet at 8, I will fit my plans to suit, and I wouldn’t dream of making them change their plans to suit me. And, while this might not seem as obvious an instance of submission as when I play the naughty sex slave and beg my pretend-master to stripe me, to my mind it is all part of the same thing: another reflection of my submissive nature. I yield, rather than impose; I respond, rather than initiate; I instinctively place the desires of others above my own. (Not, I’d just like to add, as the result of some calculation, nor in the hope of gain further down the line, but simply because it is my nature).

Of course, I could be completely wrong on all of the above. I am just speaking from experience and trying to put the things I feel into words. It’s a fascinating thing to think about, anyway :)

Do please share any thoughts you might have – I’d love to hear them. And do please visit the round table and check out what other bloggers have to say on the matter! (But don’t touch the peanuts. They’re mine).