Dear Miss Hasler

Saturday, February 18th, 2012


My dear Miss Hasler,

Thank you for your letter and also for your belated, and no doubt reluctant, confession to the crimes committed this last Saturday evening. I spoke with your Headmistress, Miss Hyde, on the telephone yesterday morning when she informed me of your recent nocturnal activities and of your previous propensity for unseemly and unladylike behaviour. I must first say that, had you confessed to your misdeeds earlier, it would have spared me the trouble of thrashing the entire Lower Sixth, whom I had suspected of involvement in this outrageous act of vandalism. I trust that their suffering will bear heavily upon your conscience.

From your letter I understand that you have now received the public caning at Assembly that Miss Hyde had told me she intended to deliver. She also informed me of the slippering that she had already administered. I must say that I am encouraged that Birchington School maintains a traditional approach to discipline, although at the same time I feel that perhaps your Headmistress may be too kind-hearted to deal properly with girls of your obviously hardened nature. I am therefore pleased that she has given me the opportunity to assist in bringing you to heel.

I shall therefore expect you to present yourself at my office, this Friday afternoon at 4pm sharp. You will wear your full Birchington School for Girls uniform, including the correct regulation knickers. I must inform you now, Penelope, that I intend to punish you quite severely.

Now as I see it, you have committed three separate offences and so you shall be dealt with for each one in turn. Your first punishment will be for breaking into the school grounds and stealing apples. For this I intend to give you six strokes of the cane, three on each hand. This is to teach you not to steal.

Your second punishment will be for throwing apples at the walls. Quite what pleasure you managed to derive from this senseless activity I do not know, but I can say without a doubt that you will not enjoy the consequences. For this I will require you to raise your skirt and bend over and touch your toes. You will receive a dozen strokes of the leather strap across the seat of your knickers. This will teach you to respect school property.

Finally we come to your worst offence. The apple trees in the school orchard have stood unmolested for seventy years, being originally planted by one of my predecessors during the last war to provide a supply of fresh fruit to the pupils of this school. For these trees to now be irreversibly desecrated by your obscene scribblings has caused consternation (and some juvenile snickering by certain girls in the Lower Sixth) throughout the school. I must say that Mr Groves, the groundskeeper, is quite beside himself. I have therefore decided to let the punishment fit the crime and revive a method of discipline as old as our orchard. In short, you will receive thirty-six strokes of the birch. I have instructed Mr Groves to cut some springy twigs and make a brace of stout birch rods. These are now soaking in a bucket of brine in the corner of my office awaiting your arrival. For this final punishment I intend to have you remove your skirt and knickers and bend over my desk. Of course no girl could be expected to bear such a flogging on her own volition so Mr Groves has kindly agreed to assist in holding you down.

I trust that you will convey my kind regards to Miss Hyde for arranging your visit. Perhaps it might be wise if she can arrange for you to be collected by motor car after your visit as I feel that the state of your backside following your punishment would preclude your returning to school by bicycle.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. J. Whacker, Headmaster, Whackenham School