Penny's homework assignment (1)

Why poor manners and disrespect are never acceptable, by Penelope Hasler

“Good manners cost nothing,” or so the saying goes. Whilst the simplicity and self-evident truth of this age-old expression make it easy to remember, they can also make it easy to take good manners for granted; to mistake their lack of cost for a lack of value. Yet to do either of these things would be an error. Far from being a superficiality, or an anachronism, good manners are an integral part of a healthy society: it is no exaggeration, in fact, to call them a foundation stone of civilisation.

Without manners, we are little better than the animals. Imagine any social situation, any aspect of everyday life, and then try to imagine it in the absence of manners. Ladies would have to open doors themselves, as gentlemen would feel no obligation to hold them open for them. The most agreeable shopping trip into town would become a dull series of transactions; an empty experience shorn of all charm and humanity. A tea party would degenerate into a scene of chaos, with the guests all sitting where they pleased, indulging in the most rude and inappropriate discourse, and fighting over the last buttered scone. Such scenarios are bad enough on their own; when they are set in contrast against what they might be with good manners at their heart, they appear all the more objectionable.

A quality that good manners go hand in hand with is that of respect. A key aspect of these concepts’ relatedness, and of their importance, is that both speak more than anything of consideration for others. This virtue is amongst the highest, and should be prized accordingly: consideration is after all an expression of love; of compassion for our fellow man. It is, furthermore, essential for co-operation, and co-operation has been a vital element in human advancement for as long as we have walked the earth (or, for the past century, flown across it).

Respect should be accorded as a default to each and every person that one might encounter, provided that they do not do anything to lessen it themselves. An individual does not have to be rich and powerful, or a leading light in his or her field, to deserve respect: intangible personal qualities such as fortitude, selflessness or a friendly disposition count for just as much, if not more, in this regard. Respect is, we should never forget, a recognition of a person’s dignity as much as it is of their achievements. The schoolgirl who tries her best deserves respect, even if she is not top of the class; the parents and teachers who inspire her do likewise.

The importance of good manners and respect having thus been established, it is easy to see the corollary concept: that is, the unacceptability of poor manners and disrespect.

We have all been on the receiving end of rude behaviour at some point in our lives, and the experience is unquestionably disagreeable. People shoving ahead in queues; acquaintances (or even perfect strangers) making denigratory personal remarks or inconsiderate demands; the lack of a simple ‘thank you’ in acknowledgment of a kindness. The specific example might vary, but the effect is generally the same. Just as an unsolicited kind gesture or an instance of good manners can brighten someone’s day, a thoughtless or deliberate barb can spoil it.

Hurt and embarrassment are unenviable feelings, and so it should go without saying that we should not seek to evoke them in others. Verbal attacks may not be visible, and may not leave a visible impression on their target, but they are just as unwelcome and unnecessary as physical attacks. If anything, a large part of their sting arises precisely because they are so unnecessary; so avoidable: common courtesy really does cost nothing, and so its absence is felt all the more keenly. Disrespect is perhaps even more injurious than rudeness for it is an assault upon the very essence of a person; an assault upon their identity.

Even taking the above into account, some might argue that poor manners or disrespect are sometimes understandable (or even acceptable). A person who is impolite might argue that they were so in a moment of anger, for example; that such rudeness is ‘out of character’ for them. Yet this should not be accepted as an excuse for their behaviour. It is a rare person who never has cause to feel anger or distress, yet not everyone feels entitled to discard their consideration for others when circumstances permit. It is easy to be charming and polite when everything is just as one would wish; it is more difficult – and more revealing of one’s true character – when things are not so. How admirable is the person who is courteous and respectful no matter the situation!

Yet, even for those who do not possess an even temper and an innate respect for others, politeness and respect should still be observed. If nothing else, these practices can serve one’s own self-interest: they can help to generate goodwill, which is very often likely to be reciprocated in a beneficial way. Treating people well in order to be treated well oneself is a universal concept, applicable across cultures and to an array of experiences. This universality explains why it applies to organisations as much as it does to individuals: not for nothing is good customer service considered an important part of any business. An expression that captures the essence of this idea (if in a somewhat colloquial way) is “be nice to people on your way up, because you might meet them on your way down.”

Whatever a person’s motivation or circumstances, good manners (and their counterpart, respect for others) are something to be valued and striven for, and poor manners something to be avoided. Quite beside the injury to a person’s feelings or reputation that an instance of poor manners might cause – and that alone would be reason enough for its unacceptability – rudeness represents nothing less than a violation of the principles of civilised behaviour. It is a conscious and wilful rejection of all that is good in human society, for it strikes at one of the invisible ties that bind it together in peace.